How blue is my Sapphire?

Your past can indeed be compared to a silent, strong-willed and seductive woman, who, by virtue of her own strong will, continues to be your constant companion and silently seduces you to be enamoured and intoxicated by her most endearing charm of constancy. In the realm of ever changing nature of every minute of your life, your past tempts you to lay your scarred thoughts to rest on her calm bosom of peace and tranquillity that only the unchanging nature of past has the potency to offer. It induces you into believing that the only refuge, the only messiah, the only deliverance can possibly be found within the labyrinth of your past. The beauty of the past lies in its constancy, however dreadful it may otherwise be.

I was pulled out off of my reverie of the many musings of my past by the constant honking which jerked me back to my immediate surrounding with a start. I was on my way to participate in a state level inter-college debate competition. On account of being the first year law student and having been given the opportunity to represent my college at such nascent stage of my professional course, I could have bartered my very life to do well in the competition. The topic of the debate was “Euthanasia-Whether it should be constitutionally recognised?” One month prior to the competition, I researched and scanned voluminous journals and case studies to prepare my notes. I meticulously jotted down all possible points that I would possibly have to utilise to counter my opponents assertions. I read and re-read my notes a million times to gain the requisite level of confidence to effectively present my points and refute and debunk the opponent’s assertions. I burnt the mid-night oil with the sole intention to cement and strengthen my fragile sense of self and precarious self-confidence.

Finally the D-day arrived. Even after having subjected myself to the rigours of the numerous practice sessions, the power of my pugnacious past magnetically drew me into the by lanes of my memories. The drive from my home to the auditorium was well above one hour and I had promised myself that I would remain focused on the competition and would avoid the constant pull of those fringes of memories that could possibly have a crippling effect on my self-confidence. With this thought in mind, I pulled out my notes while being stuck in traffic and scanned through the key points once again. While repeating the points silently, I absently saw myself in the side-view mirror and looked into my eye. The reflection of my eye instantly pulled me into the by lanes of my memory. The multiple images from the near and distant past started floating around me and I suddenly saw myself standing in front of the whole class in a recitation competition in class 4^th. I then saw how a boy on the second bench squinted his eye while imitating me. I recalled another student asking me loudly in front of the whole class where was I looking? I recalled the many tears and the suffocating pain that I felt on account of being cockeyed at that moment. I recalled how I forgot my lines and ran away from the class bursting into tears. I recalled the numerous muffled conversations during my pre-teen years when I was written off thanks to my visual defect that formed the primary filter for people to judge me in various aspects of my life. I recalled how one of my father’s friend casually commented that even though I am a bright child, I will always be a burden on account of my defect. I recalled his well-intentioned advice to my father of keeping provisions for my dowry for the simple reason that no boy would ever marry a cockeyed girl unless you really sweeten the deal. I recalled how I immersed myself in my books and avoided making friends with the sole intention of avoiding numerous uncomfortable questions about where was I looking? I became an academically bright and reclusive child.  Whenever I topped the class, I remembered the mixed look of pride and pity on my teacher’s face. During my schooling years, I did not realise that I went an extra mile academically with the sheer intention of mitigating the impact of my visual defect.

The otherwise irritating honking was a blessing in disguise at this moment for the simple reason that it pulled me out of all the paralysing thoughts of the past. I mustered all the courage which I possibly could and pushed the demons of my past from the door of my mind re-focused on the impending competition. This competition was a test for me at many levels. The most important test for me was to free myself off the clutches of my past which held me so tightly to the point of suffocation and defeat. It was a test of my inner strength. It was a test of my single minded focus. It was a test of my maturity and endurance. While I was sitting on the chair awaiting my turn, and rehearsing my arguments, suddenly a strange sense of calm overtook me. The calm and peace was the result of my absolute focus on the many layers of the arguments concerning the topic of debate. I could think of nothing else. I felt as if nothing else mattered. I imagined the audience applauding and positively absorbing all my arguments and assertions. I almost felt possessed with the power of my speech.  I almost felt united at spiritual level with my speech. The strength of my arguments and the eloquence of my language gave me an insight into those aspects of my personality that I had failed to notice until that very moment. I was intoxicated with a new kind of confidence. Suddenly, I heard my college name being announced by the comparer and I went on the stage in a state of exuberance. I saw the auditorium being packed to capacity. I saw my college principal sitting in the front raw and smiling at me. I looked at the panel of judges intently observing me. I walked up to the podium and adjusted the mike.

I felt as if some divine power was guiding me and holding my hand. To my surprise, I found myself flawlessly making all my arguments as all that mattered to me was the strength of my argument and the beauty of my deliverance. The past did not matter and the visual defect did not matter. My cockeyed did not matter and the judgements did not matter. The numerous snide remarks about my appearance did not mattered. The only thing that counted was how effectively I pressed my point, how relevant were my rebuttals, and how forceful was my speech? During the question answer round, when a particular judge from the panel asked me a question and threw a sideward glance on account of being confused whether I was looking at him or someone else; I surprisingly held my ground. Somehow his confusion did not affect me for I was confident where I was looking. Too bad for him if he couldn’t figure out where was I looking. This was the wow moment for me. This was nirvana. The freedom of disregarding what the world thinks about you, the freedom emanating out of the indifference of how the word looks at you. All that mattered in that moment was how I looked at him and the point that I was trying to convey.

After I answered the judge’s question, I was startled by the thunderous applause. After class 4^th, I was teary eyed once again. But this time, for an altogether different reason indeed. Even though winning the competition had become immaterial on that day, the fact that I not only won the debate but also got awarded as a best speaker made me realize that all of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am as I have absolutely set myself free for the shackles of past. The charming woman of my past no longer seduced me and entrapped me into the downward spiral of the sense of self-defeat. From that day onwards there was no looking back. The sweet and simple realization dawned on me that you cannot drive ahead by only focusing on the rear view mirror. The thunderous applause of the audience and the shining trophy that I was awarded after the competition were the proof of the inherently good nature of this world. When I freed myself of how this world looked at me;

I suddenly started looking at the world differently. When I dismissed off the thoughts that the world considered me ugly, I suddenly realized how beautiful the world is. When I shrugged off the past and realized the depth of the blue colour of the beautiful sapphire of my life; the realization dawned on me with full glory of how deep and blue the sapphire of my life is. The sapphire of my life is as blue as the communion of the blueness of the sky with that of the ocean. It is deep, rich and exhilarating.

XO