History has been an awestruck witness to the events and incidences that has affected her in ways she may have never contemplated in her unusually long and dreary life. History has been a silent companion of Hatshepsut, the charismatic queen of Egypt and Julius Caser, the mighty emperor of Rome who did great service to future writers by their very existence! Alexander walked down marauding from Europe in the west to India in the East and History could do nothing except for witnessing it silently. History was delighted with the invention of wheel in its distant past and invention of electricity in the not so very distant past! History was aghast and battered with the invention of nuclear weapon! History was shocked and awed with the development in quantum physics! History, it seems, could never decode the reason why it was subjected to shock, awe, torture, wonderment, delight, dejection, excitement and rejection at regular intervals. It seems that God was preparing history to come to terms with
what it was going to witness in the 21st century! God was preparing History to deal with the mightiest virtual platform of the 21st century, namely, the FACEBOOK and its aftershocks! History saw Alexander, history befriended Akbar, History cradled Einstein but History, it seems was certainly not prepared to handle Ashwin Alameda and his family, the self-appointed brand ambassador of FACEBOOK!
Little did poor History know that it was easier to deal with Alexander’s ambition and Einstein’s eccentricity! But Ashwin Alameda was at another level altogether! Nothing at all, no treacherous event, no unusual circumstances, and no eccentric personality would prepare history for what it was about to witness! Ashwin Alameda certainly opened one of the most entertaining and amusing chapter in the life of history, thanks to the new chapter being opened in the life of Ashwin Alameda by the heaven of virtual world, FACEBOOK! Ashwin Alameda or “AA” as he was fondly referred to by friends and foes alike, was in love with, besotted to, had a crush on, worshipped, was obsessed with, was enamoured with FACEBOOK! He had a temple in his house in which he kept a photo of Mark Zuccerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan! So enamoured was he with the virtual platform that his soul existed in the virtual world! To add to AA’s excitement, his wife, BA (Bina Alameda) was another FACEBOOK enthusiast. His twin son’s CA (Chetan Alameda) and DA (Darshan Alameda) joined the game right from the time when they were foetuses on account of having a Facebook page dedicated to them right from the day when Bina Alameda missed her periods when she was pregnant with CA and DA respectively. AA’s typical day contained at least 200 status updates! It seemed that Ashwin was under some strange illusion that is particularly common among narcissists that their existence is the singularly most important event that has occurred in the history of mankind! He suffered from a strange notion that the world would be at a loss if he did not make public the tiniest details of his life. His typical status updates on a regular day appeared like this:
“Feeling happy”….Just Woke up! Good Morning Mumbai!” [7:00am]
“Feeling disgusted”…Bina just farted. L L L [7:02am]
“Feeling loved”..CA and DA came running into my room and jumped on my tummy…luckiest dad in the world [7:10am]
“Feeling angry”…Just turned on the shower and the water supply was over for the day [7:30am]
“Feeling hungry”…[With a picture of the breakfast]: Hot tea bread butter and aloo paratha for breakfast, couldn’t have been better..love u Bini..[7:45am]
“Feeling emotional”…Saying good bye to CA and DA…leaving for work!..Oh I will miss my kiddies L
“Feeling confused” Why did I receive the stinker e-mail from my boss, I just poked the vendor on FB last night whom we have not paid since the past 5 years [9:30am]
“Feeling upset” Got demoted from Assistant Manager to Sales Executive. 5thdemotion in 5 years..God..Why Me? [11:00am]
“Feeling bored” All that colleagues talk about is work, work and work? Who talks about work in office? [12:00pm]
“Feeling pained” The client just said I am the biggest ass**** he has ever come across [1:00pm]
“Feeling silly” Forgot the lunch box at home…wify will be annoyed..:-( [1:30pm]
“Feeling sleepy” Ate a lot of fried rice..was soooooooo yummy…Mainland China Rocks…Now feeling sleepy, so much work to do…Gooooooodddddddd! [2:30pm]
“Feeling nostalgic” Ex colleague Rajesh just called….old memories back! Was so pleased to know that they still call me tortoise J J J J [3:30pm]
“Feeling refreshed” Just had 3 cups of masala tea…best masala tea ever! Ramu Kaka of my office rocks” [4:30pm]
“Feeling worried” Boss just called me into his cabin…seems I have goofed up again…please pray for me…Thank you all for all your support. [4:45pm]
“Feeling blessed” Boss just called me “the laziest dog of the word”, did not throw me out of his cabin like last time…lucky me! [5:00pm]
“Feeling positive” Got 3 FB likes on my previous status updates. J J J J[5:05pm]
“Feeling awesome” Done for the day.. On my way back Home…so excited to play hide and seek with CA and DA!!
“Feeling alone” In train..it is so lonely to stand on the train door and getting pinched and poked for one good hour from Churchgate to Borilvili. 6:00pm
“Feeling wonderful” Back home finally…Binny smiled at me and handed me hot pakoras 🙂 7:00pm
“Feeling fantastic” CA and DA back from classes. Will play hide and seek..children time 8:00pm
“Feeling angry” No cable connection. Cannot see the 9:00pm news. So Frustrating. So dejected [So dejected]
“Feeling thoughtful” Don’t know why 10 of my friends blocked me from Facebook today. [10:00pm]
“Feeling hungry” Dinner time…wify cooked dal..rice and sabzi….how unique…my wifey the best [10:30pm]
“Feeling tired” Ate a lot..dam sleepy..dunno why [11:00pm]
“Feeling sleepy” Had a long day today….good night friends [11:30pm]
Mind you, the above status updates did not suffice. These kinds of updates typically constituted the most important status updates. In between these status updates, there were at least 100 small and big updates. As regards, check—ins and photo uploads, the less said the better! AA’s mobile upload was a curse to his Facebook friends. This is for the simple reason that he continuously clicked and uploaded pictures of anything and everything under the sun. Right from the good morning look of his wife and kids, to the photo of breakfast, lunch and dinner, good bye and welcome back photo of himself with his kids to pictures of stray dog, crowded trains, overflowing dustbins, vegetable vendors, liftman in the office building, watchman of office, office colleagues, office chai, office snacks, angry boss, happy boss, upset boss, angry client, happy client, upset client, zerox machine, pen, paper, office laptop, picture of him being engrossed in work, picture of him whiling time at work, picture of him sipping tea and picture of him entering and exiting office loo! These were routine picture updates. Any and every feature of face book, right from poking to playing candy crush, to playing animal farm to likes were used, abused, overused and misused by him with unbridled devotion.
Little did Ashwin realize that the God of his life would turn his life around in ways he might not have thought off! Facebook, it seems, teaches you the art of indiscretion. You fail to realize the importance of privacy. It only seems natural for you to reveal things and feelings that you may have not thought of making public under normal circumstances. Even a normal, person, at times, fail to contemplate the consequences of “bare it all” on the virtual platform. In case of grandiose narcissist like Ashwin, Facebook succeed in completely undermining the importance of discretion and confidentiality in his life, be it personal or professional! To Ashwin, posting his feeling on Facebook was as good as an exercise in self-reflection in which he spoke with himself in his head. Unbridled obsession with the virtual world had washed away the dividing line, if any, between what was supposed to be personal and what could be made public. History was about to witness one of the most wacky incident in the life of Ashwin Almeda!
On 5th February, 2015, Ashwin started off his day with his usual Facebook posts, photos and status updates. He entered office in an unusually bright and sunny mood! After all, he had received 6 likes to the status of “Awesome makeout session with wife last night…Feeling tired.” He airily entered into his office and settled himself in front of his laptop, flicked upon his cell phone, opened his Facebook page, took the snap of his laptop and immediately uploaded it. Thereafter he updated his status “About to read office e-mails” and clicked on the first e-mail in the inbox. The e-mail was from his boss, Vikas Mehra, the VP- Sales of the construction division. Mr. Mehra had sent Ashwin the price quotes they were going to propose to win the bid of a very high value contract. It was extremely important for Mr. Mehra to win this contract so as to ensure that he remained ahead of his peers. He had marked the e-mail “High Importance” and had written in the subject line “Highly Confidential” For the first time in 5 years, Ashwin got such e-mail. Mr. Mehra had ensured, over the course of Ashwin’s employment in “MOA Steels and Construction” NOT to involve Ashwin in any of the high value projects! Ashwin felt that he had finally won Mr. Mehra’s trust and confidence! No wonder Mr. Mehra entrusted him with such an important task. Little did Ashwin know that Mr. Mehra had no choice on account of his favourite employee, Rakesh, who was Ashwin’s sworn enemy and whom Ashwin had BLOCKED on Facebook in order to settle scores, was on leave! As a creature of habit, and out of importance, Ashwin immediately updated his status: “Feeling Excited…Boss sent me an e-mail marked ‘High Importance and Highly Confidential”…shows that the ice has finally been broken! I respect you boss! Shall prove myself” Ashwin then commenced reading his e-mail and his eyeball increased in diameter and appeared like saucer in excitement after he realized that the e-mail set out the highly confidential bid price proposed to be quoted in the tender documents that were to go out today. He thought to himself, “100 likes guaranteed by my ex-colleagues who are also participating in the tender process” He immediately pulled out his cell, opened his Facebook page and updated the status. “Feeling awesome! My company is quoting the rate of INR 750 Million for the turnkey project in the tender floated by the Govt. of Mauritius for the construction of high end bridge. Sure to win the bid! J J J” As soon as Ashwin updated this status, he got 10 likes in 5 seconds. On the top of it, Ashwin got 15 comments of “Thank you yaar…you are really awesome” from his ex-colleague who happened to be in similar line of business. Ashwin’s joy knew no bounds! He started jumping with excitement! He immediately took a selfie posing a straight face while staring at his laptop and uploaded it on FB. No sooner did he upload his FB page, his landline and phone started ringing simultaneously. He took a snap of the ringing phone, uploaded a new status of “Feeling irritated…ringing phone disturbs my mood” and answered the phone. His boss barked at the other end of the line and immediately summoned him in the conference cabin. Ashwin couldn’t figure out the reason for Mr. Mehra’s irritated voice. Ashwin thought that probably Mr. Mehra was upset as he did not “tag” Mr. Mehra in the price quote status that he updated a short while ago. He immediately went to the price quote status and tagged Mr. Mehra on the status. Ashwin was about to take a selfie standing outside Mr. Mehra’s cabin when Mr. Mehra opened the door and held Ashwin by the collar. On account of this the selfie captured Mr. Mehra’s growling face and Ashwin’s scared face! As a matter of habit, before Mr. Mehra could snatch Ashwin’s phone, Ashwin uploaded the snap on FB with the status “Feeling anxious…Boss Angry…God Save Me.” Simultaneously Ashwin tagged Mr. Mehra in his latest status. Mr. Mehra saw the notification and read Ashwin’s status. Mr. Mehra sunk into a state of despondency and started bawling like a baby. Ashwin pulled out his cell phone and immediately clicked a couple of snaps of Mr. Mehra crying loudly while regretting his decision to hire Ashwin at the first place! Ashwin uploaded the pics of his crying boss and wrote the status “Feeling Sad…Boss crying on account of regretting that he held my collar and over reacted as I failed to tag him in my price quote status” The whole office surrounded Ashwin and his crying boss. Ashwin gave his phone to his colleague and asked him to take a snap in which he should be seen consoling Mr. Mehra. Mr. Mehra just folded his hand, caught Ashwin by his leg and begged him to leave. The colleague immediately took this snap and uploaded it from Ashwin’s mobile on his FB page.
On being asked by the colleague what status should he write, Ashwin replied, “Write..”Feeling confused…why is boss being so apologetic” and please tag Mr. Mehra. On hearing this Mr. Mehra fainted! Ashwin took 6 to 7 pics of Mr. Mehra in the fainted pose and was about to upload it but couldn’t as he was in a state of shock when he read his wife Bina’s status message that she had posted half an hour ago “Feeling excited….Ashwin just left, now my ex-boyfriend Pratik is on his way to my house…can’t just wait to see him all over again..my first love”Ashwin lost it! He was furious! He was seething. He updated his status message “Feeling angry…it seems my wife is cheating on me” Ashwin was about to call his wife when he saw the second status message from his wife and fainted. His colleague, Prakash read Bina’s status message “Feeling loved….just had a make out session with Pratik” and sent Ashwin in the same hospital where they sent Mr. Mehra a short while ago. Mr. Mehra and Ashwin were placed on adjacent beds. The doctor, Mr. Chopra asked the nurse what was wrong. Upon being informed about the whole incident, the doctor pulled out his cell, took a selfie with Mr. Mehra and Ashwin and uploaded the selfie with the status message “100th case of Facebookaria” History realized that the most interesting chapter has just started in her life, thanks to the epidemic of Facebookaria”
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